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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. — Lana Turner

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not you’ll become a philosopher

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey

The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”
The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”
The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor’s office. He says, “Doc, I’m not feeling well. What’s wrong with me?”The doctor says, “First of all, you’re not eating right….”

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.”

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why do all the days of the week end in “y”?

Isn’t it scary that the word “therapist” is the same as the words “the” and “rapist” put together?

On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?

When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady’s husband be called if she were elected president?

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